WARNING! Contents Under Pressure May EXPLODE!!!

OH. EM. GEE.  I am officially at my breaking point with life and do not know how much more I can handle without going bat shit crazy!  This isn't about TTC, but I gotta unload somewhere, so let the ranting commence.

DH and I have already been dealing with all of this job crap.  I've been applying for a supplemental job that will, more than likely, kill my soul.  But since I got laid off in January and only work 32 hours max a week at the fire department, I've gotta do something.  And as you already know, he got laid off last Friday.  He talked to his ex-boss yesterday to find out what his hire date was so he could contact unemployment, and guess what??  They are getting ready to FIRE a guy!!  Yep, that's right...they KNEW they were firing this guy (who, I might add, has already been out on disability since NOVEMBER!!)  They already KNEW they were going to be down a man.  They laid Kris off anyway.  Here's the kicker: his ex-boss tells Kris they are TRYING TO GET HIM BACK TO WORK!!  WTF?!?  Normally, I'd be excited by this news.  Instead, I'm just PISSED OFF!!!  Why lay him off to begin with if you're going to call him back within a couple weeks?!?  Not to mention the fact that I do not trust his company any farther than I can throw them, so I'm not holding my breath on him getting his job back any time soon.  Not the way they've already jerked him around.

On top of that, I get a phone call early this morning from my bank's Electronic Loss Prevention department.  Someone somehow got ahold of my check card number and racked up nearly $150 at a Speedway gas station more than an hour from where I live.  They tried for two charges, but one of them was declined.  It has put our account $4.00 in the hole.  I KNOW I'll get my money back and I KNOW all fees will be waived.  It's the principle of the matter.  I had to go to the bank, file paperwork, and they had to close my card and order me a new one that I won't get for 7-10 business days.  Kris is going out of town this evening and will be gone until Sunday night, so I have no access to my account until I get a temporary card from the bank.  Yes, I know there are ways to get money (I did work at the bank, after all!)  But again, it's the principle.

I want to throw up.  I feel like it has been nothing but one piece of bad news after another.  I randomly broke down in tears at the bank because I was just done!  On top of that, my job is really pissing me off too.  It's a never ending source of drama there, and I'm just over it!!  And I actually have to work tonight, so I'm going to have to wear a disclaimer around my neck warning people not to feed the wild animal!  On a scale of 1-10, my pissedoffedness (yep, new word, deal with it) is at about a 9.85.

I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but seriously?!?  Maybe he's on vacay and the interim management doesn't know the rules!  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  Hopefully things start to turn around soon and I can get back to thinking about TTC.

...And the Poor Get Poorer

The gavel finally dropped today.  Hubby got laid off.  We knew it was coming, even if his bosses wouldn't commit to that.  It's kinda like when you're speeding down the road and suddenly you pass a cop.  Your eyes immediately go to your rear view mirror, waiting to see if they're coming after you.  It's this built up moment of anxiety...until you see the red and blues in your mirror, then you know.

His boss made sure his hands were clean.  There was a position they offered Kris in a town that is about an hour away.  They made it seem like Kris was crazy to not jump on it.  But here's the thing, they weren't going to give him any type of pay raise, and gas prices here are currently almost $4.00/gal!  AANNDD, DH's car is a piece of crap because he already spent all last summer commuting to the other job!  When he tried to explain this to them, they had the NERVE to suggest he GET AN APARTMENT THERE AND SEE HIS WIFE ON THE WEEKENDS!!  Seriously?!?  I'm sorry, that takes some brass balls to make a suggestion like that!  Bottome line: we literally COULD NOT afford for him to take it.  How sad is that, you can't afford to STAY employed?!?

This is just another bead in the necklace of crap we've been handed.  Last fall, I got a job with my fire department as a full time dispatcher.  It was great money and I LOVED doing it!  I was making TRIPLE what I was making just working as an EMT part time.  Well then, the job was "outsourced" for lack of a better word, and 3 of us lost our jobs.  I was granted unemployment, but due to a screw up on the part of Ohio Department Job and Family Services, I had to pay the money back! Yep, you read that right.  I'll give you a moment to digest that one....

It's a great feeling to know that in the State of Ohio, you can be PUNISHED for being LAID OFF.  God bless my mama, she wrote me a check, and told me to "Pay those bastards off and be done with it!"  If Kris and I did not have such wonderful parents, I honestly don't know WHAT we would do!

This is going to sound bad, but I know we don't technically have to struggle for money.  We could ask either of our parents and they'd stroke us check after check without question.  But neither of us were raised that way.  We are a family now, we need to be self-sufficient, and we have always found a way.  It's just really starting to get old.  Kris always says, "If we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all."  Not only are we the 1 out of 10 that struggle with infertility, we also don't have any insurance or money to change that.  And even if we DID have insurance, most insurance companies choose to punish infertile couples and not cover their medical costs.

I know a lot of people would say it's a blessing that we can't have kids, seeing our financial struggles.  I personally am not one to think of children in terms of money.  I don't care who you are or how much you make...is a person EVER financially ready for kids?!  We still want a baby, and we aren't going to let a shitty economy change our minds.  Here's praying that we catch a break, one way or another.

Don't be a Charlie Sheen!

I know I've posted before about the things people should not say to women struggling with infertility.  I thought by opening up on the topic, some of the annoying and misguided comments would die down.  Sadly, not everyone reads my blog.  I've recently been swamped with "Just relax and it'll happen" and "If you want kids, you can borrow mine" comments.  I know most people aren't that familiar with infertility, but seriously...wouldn't a sane person think those comments would be like rubbing salt into the wound of a TTCer?!

It is because of this logic (or lack thereof) that I've decided to start referring to the people who make these comments as "pulling a Charlie Sheen."  Let me put this into perspective:

Sally has a friend who has been TTC for a long time with no such luck.  Sally HAS kids, so she doesn't understand how someone has to "try" to have them.  I mean, maybe her friend is "doing it wrong."  Maybe her friend just needs to "relax, and it'll happen."  Or maybe "it isn't God's plan."  Sally thinks all these things to herself, and it should stop there.  But instead of keeping it to herself, she decides to tell her friend all of these cliche things to make her feel better.  And who knows, maybe Sally will single-handedly cure her friend's infertility problem!  So when the friend looks at Sally like she's an alien, Sally assumes her friend is just in awe of her awesomeness!

Newsflash, Sally:  Your friend thinks you're a Charlie Sheen!  You open your mouth to give stupid (although well-meaning) advice, and all your TTC friend hears is rants about Tiger Blood and fire breathing fists...oh yeah, and WINNING, DUH!  To those of us who have suffered through blood work, ultrasounds, Clomid/Femara, injections, HSGs, IUI, IVF, and more, you sound like a babbling, incoherent, crazy fool!  Yes, I'm sure this sounds harsh and it doesn't apply to everyone.  But if someone wants to talk to me about my TTC struggles, I'd appreciate it if they'd at least do their homework first.  So please, THINK before you SPEAK!  Unless you really ARE a Warlock Rock Star from Mars...don't be a Charlie Sheen!

Kickin' It Old School!

For those of you who don't know, I am a Catholic School survivor. Before anyone gets mad, let me explain. It wasn't the religion part I was "surviving"...it was the snotty girls and grody boys! I grew up in a house where my mom was Catholic and my dad was Baptist. It was my dad's belief that children should make the decision of the religion they wanted to practice, so when I was old enough, I chose to become a Methodist.

Even though I chose the Methodist church, it didn't change the fact that I knew the Hail Mary by the time I was 4. It also didn't change the fact that my mom gave me a beautiful, crystal blue rosary and taught me what the heck a "mystery" was, long before I declared myself ANY religion. So, right or wrong, (I don't really care!) I've always considered myself "half Catholic." When I say I'm "half Irish", that's just as much a part of who I am as the religions I grew up around.

Anywho...needless to say, as I got older, I didn't so much want to go to church every Sunday. I still believed in The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, we just didn't hang out as much. It was like they were childhood friends I grew apart from. I still loved them, they were still very important to me, I just didn't feel I needed to go sit in a pew to prove it. One of my favorite quotes is, "Going to church doesn't make you Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." I feel that, even though I presently haven't been to church since my wedding day 3 and a half years ago, I am more Christian than a lot of people who go to church religiously (pun TOTALLY intended!)

You're probably starting to wonder where my TTC comes in with this post. I'm getting there, I promise. So, after having SO MANY people tell me to put this baby issue into God's hands, I thought maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Yeah, I pray. I wish I had a dollar for every time I prayed to be blessed with a baby...if I did, Kris and I could afford fertility treatment for YEARS! With the help of all the Catechism classes I sat through in my younger years (as well as the amazingness that is Google) I decided it was time to kick it old school and start praying some novenas!

For those non-Catholics out there, here's a quick "Novenas for Dummies." No really...that's where I got it from!

"A novena is a traditional prayer you say for nine consecutive days. Novenas are short prayers to a particular saint, requesting that the saint pray to Jesus on your behalf. Often timed so that the novena ends on the feast day of the particular saint the novena is addressed to, novenas are said in the hopes of gaining some special spiritual blessings. Novenas can be prayed anytime for a special need, such as in desperate and seemingly hopeless cases."

I am a hopeless case, if I EVER have seen one! I've tried so many scientific avenues, but I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the power of a good novena! I'm done putting my faith into doctors for awhile...it's time to put some faith in St. Anne and St. Gerard (ironically enough, St. Gerard is the Catholic school I went to!) St. Anne is the patron saint of childless mothers, among other things. And St. Gerard is the patron saint of women TTC. So my new "Novena Diet" will consist of a novena to St. Anne, then a novena to St. Gerard, switching back and forth every 9 days until I get pregnant.

I'm not ashamed to tell you that on the first day praying to St. Anne, I cried like a baby! I forgot how powerful it is to get down on your knees and pray! My heart felt a little lighter, like she was up there saying, "Don't worry, girl, I got your back!" So this is the path I will take for now. I'm sure I will eventually turn back to science, but I'm determined to keep up with the prayers. Who knows, maybe I'll even find myself in a back pew somewhere sometime soon...hopefully with a baby bump.

I'll keep ya posted on how the God Squad is workin' out for me! :)

Still Alive...Still Not Preggers!

Wow!!!  I can't believe it's been so long since I last updated my blog!!!  I decided to take a nice, long break from blogging, TTC forums, and TTC in general.  But now I'm back and I just couldn't wait to update.

Let me get to the point: Still not pregnant.  Still fat.  Still infertile.  DH and I have hardly even talked about babies in recent months.  It's too hard.  The money ran out again, and we had to stop fertility treatments...again!  I finally got a decent paying job that I loved, only to be laid off 4 months later.  Still working EMS part time and I just started selling Mary Kay.  Oh, the things we do to have a baby!  I'm actually making a decent chunk of change selling MK, so that's been a nice surprise.  DH is due to get laid off yet again, we just aren't sure when.  We can never get the same answer twice from his boss.  So until then, he's still showing up for work everyday until they tell him not to.

Since my last post, we were able to scrounge up enough money for one more (failed) monitored and medicated cycle.  After that, we pretty much stopped everything altogether...and I mean EVERYTHING!  Which I guess wasn't all bad.  I've been doing a lot of overnights at work lately, so it only would have been added stress trying to plan a cycle around that.

I guess I could say we're "half on" for this cycle.  I've been watching the calendar somewhat, but I haven't had my full heart into it.  Kris doesn't even bring it up to me anymore.  I think it's too painful for him and he gets really bitter and angry at our present situation.  It almost hurts me MORE just knowing how much he's hurting.  I want nothing more than to give him a baby and I'm so afraid that will never happen.  We have been arguing quite a bit here lately.  I think it's the strain of everything finally catching up with us, and to be honest, I'm amazed it's taken so long.  We've been trying to get pregnant for a STAGGERING 43 cycles now!!!  Obviously, neither of us ever DREAMED we'd be in a situation like this, but I guess you have to keep rolling with the punches and you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Hopefully our time is coming soon...

Your Period is a Cause For Celebration?!

So I wake up this morning with horrible cramps and realize that AF is finally coming a day late. I go to the bathroom and realize that with all of my obsession over OPKs and ICs, I've forgotten to stock up on my AF necessities. I run over to Walgreen's to pick up pads, tampons and cramp drugs. I also see they are having a sale on Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares...so of course, I need those, too. I get to the check out and the lady ringing me up says, "You've got a nice combination there." I kinda chuckled and said yeah. Then she says, "You're just having yourself a little period party...good for you!" It was so stupid that I started laughing and was STILL laughing when I got into my car. Had I been able to think on my feet this morning, I should have invited her to come! I guess I missed the memo that your "time of the month" is a reason for celebration! LOL!

My Heart Breaks Every Day...

Well, first was the "clinical" post about my new treatment plan...now is time to address the emotional.

I just found out another dearly beloved friend of mine is pregnant.  That makes 3 very close friends of mine that are expecting right now.  And that's not even counting the casual friends/acquaintances that are pregnant, which brings that number into the low double digits.  On the outside, I'm so happy for them...on the inside, I'm dying.

People just do not get it.  I cry when I find out about friends who are expecting.  I'm happy for them, obviously, but I'm so sad for me.  YOU have what I WANT...what I've been TRYING to have for 3 years!  I have to wear a mask all the time.  And if that mask slips, even for a moment, I get blamed for not being supportive.  Not supportive?!  Really?!  I grin and bear it when I hear about cravings and morning sickness.  I put on my biggest smile when I get the baby shower invites in the mail.  I LOVE having babies around and I LOVE being Aunt Megs to my own family, my god kids, and my friends kids...but Aunt Megs is not enough for me.  Your baby doesn't fill any void in my life...it makes it more apparent.

It's so hard to be angry with God, but sometimes it just can't be helped.  I want to know WHY.  I want to know why my husband and I are being punished.  I know "punished" isn't the right way to think about it, but that's how it feels.  People who don't want kids, who weren't even trying for kids, get them all the time.  When is it MY turn?  I've been waiting patiently for so long, I'm getting close to just throwing in the towel.

I cannot watch that stupid show "16 and Pregnant" because it makes me sick.  I cannot STAND when people joke around about kids being a great "tax write-off."  It makes me angry.  It hurts.  It makes me want to climb into bed and not come back out...ever!  I hate when people complain about their lack of social life because they are pregnant..."But I just wanna get wasted and wear cute clothes and hit the club!"  Really?!?  You have been given the greatest gift that could EVER be given, and you're worried about that crap?!

I think any woman in my shoes becomes bitter and jaded at some point.  There is NO REASON that any woman willing to give a child all the love in her heart should be denied her God given RIGHT to be a mommy!  I keep telling myself that my time will come...but I don't know how much more of this I can take.