Well, first was the "clinical" post about my new treatment plan...now is time to address the emotional.
I just found out another dearly beloved friend of mine is pregnant. That makes 3 very close friends of mine that are expecting right now. And that's not even counting the casual friends/acquaintances that are pregnant, which brings that number into the low double digits. On the outside, I'm so happy for them...on the inside, I'm dying.
People just do not get it. I cry when I find out about friends who are expecting. I'm happy for them, obviously, but I'm so sad for me. YOU have what I WANT...what I've been TRYING to have for 3 years! I have to wear a mask all the time. And if that mask slips, even for a moment, I get blamed for not being supportive. Not supportive?! Really?! I grin and bear it when I hear about cravings and morning sickness. I put on my biggest smile when I get the baby shower invites in the mail. I LOVE having babies around and I LOVE being Aunt Megs to my own family, my god kids, and my friends kids...but Aunt Megs is not enough for me. Your baby doesn't fill any void in my life...it makes it more apparent.
It's so hard to be angry with God, but sometimes it just can't be helped. I want to know WHY. I want to know why my husband and I are being punished. I know "punished" isn't the right way to think about it, but that's how it feels. People who don't want kids, who weren't even trying for kids, get them all the time. When is it MY turn? I've been waiting patiently for so long, I'm getting close to just throwing in the towel.
I cannot watch that stupid show "16 and Pregnant" because it makes me sick. I cannot STAND when people joke around about kids being a great "tax write-off." It makes me angry. It hurts. It makes me want to climb into bed and not come back out...ever! I hate when people complain about their lack of social life because they are pregnant..."But I just wanna get wasted and wear cute clothes and hit the club!" Really?!? You have been given the greatest gift that could EVER be given, and you're worried about that crap?!
I think any woman in my shoes becomes bitter and jaded at some point. There is NO REASON that any woman willing to give a child all the love in her heart should be denied her God given RIGHT to be a mommy! I keep telling myself that my time will come...but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sorry it's been a couple weeks since my last update. Things have been hectic lately. Between work and family drama and friend drama, I've been lucky to even SLEEP lately!
I went back for my follow-up with Dr. R. I have a LOT of body issues going on, which I kind of already knew cuz I always feel like crap. Digestive, reproductive, adrenal...you name it, it's "off" in my body. The big thing is to start a good diet, which I've known I've needed to do for YEARS! The end goal is to have NO CARBS...this is very difficult for me! I haven't been following directions totally, but I'm doing better and I will one day have a 100% healthy diet. Baby steps.
In addition to the new diet, the doctor has started me on dietary supplements. They aren't "vitamins" but are "whole food supplements." They are from Standard Process...here's the link if you wanna check it out. http://www.standardprocess.com/display/router.aspx
He has me on 4 different supplements:
Tribulus--I told the doctor that since we've been trying to get pregnant for so long, and since I am on an anti-depressant, I have zero sex drive. This is a problem when TTC, obviously. It has become a "job" and we have been working off a "schedule." The Tribulus is to increase vitality...and give me my sex drive back. It also helps to promote healthy, regular ovulation. It's supposed to help with my fatigue and insomnia also.
Ovex--This is also supposed to help aid in ovulation. It basically will help to get my reproductive system on track and working again!
Catalyn--This is kind of a multi-vitamin. It promotes cellular health, and assists with metabolism.
Zypan--This helps with digestion and protein absorption. It helps food be digested to the proper parts of the body.
I have been on these supplements for 16 days now, and I'm already noticing changes. No, I haven't lost any weight, sadly. But I notice I have a lot more energy, which is huge for me! I usually feel utterly run down and exhausted ALL THE TIME...but now I don't feel the urge for a midday nap, which I always had to have. I also think the Tribulus is doing it's job *wink, wink* and hubby is very happy about that! :)
In addition to the supplements, I go into the office once a week to get my chiropractic adjustments and that's making me feel much better, too. Dr. R's plan is to keep re-evaluating as we go along, and he thinks we'll soon be down to only one visit per month. He also wants to wait until we are 2-3 months into treatment and then do a 21 day cleanse/body purification program. I am looking forward to that, too!
Over all, this is not to get me pregnant. This is to get me HEALTHY, which the doctor thinks will then make a huge difference in TTC. It all makes sense and it's what I've been needing for a long time. I can have someone tell me to diet and take better care of myself, but this is actually a PLAN and my doctor's office is actually SUPPORTING me and helping me hold myself accountable.
Baby or no baby, this is what I need right now. And I am so excited to have a new outlook on things! I will keep you all posted! :)
