I just found out another dearly beloved friend of mine is pregnant. That makes 3 very close friends of mine that are expecting right now. And that's not even counting the casual friends/acquaintances that are pregnant, which brings that number into the low double digits. On the outside, I'm so happy for them...on the inside, I'm dying.
People just do not get it. I cry when I find out about friends who are expecting. I'm happy for them, obviously, but I'm so sad for me. YOU have what I WANT...what I've been TRYING to have for 3 years! I have to wear a mask all the time. And if that mask slips, even for a moment, I get blamed for not being supportive. Not supportive?! Really?! I grin and bear it when I hear about cravings and morning sickness. I put on my biggest smile when I get the baby shower invites in the mail. I LOVE having babies around and I LOVE being Aunt Megs to my own family, my god kids, and my friends kids...but Aunt Megs is not enough for me. Your baby doesn't fill any void in my life...it makes it more apparent.
It's so hard to be angry with God, but sometimes it just can't be helped. I want to know WHY. I want to know why my husband and I are being punished. I know "punished" isn't the right way to think about it, but that's how it feels. People who don't want kids, who weren't even trying for kids, get them all the time. When is it MY turn? I've been waiting patiently for so long, I'm getting close to just throwing in the towel.
I cannot watch that stupid show "16 and Pregnant" because it makes me sick. I cannot STAND when people joke around about kids being a great "tax write-off." It makes me angry. It hurts. It makes me want to climb into bed and not come back out...ever! I hate when people complain about their lack of social life because they are pregnant..."But I just wanna get wasted and wear cute clothes and hit the club!" Really?!? You have been given the greatest gift that could EVER be given, and you're worried about that crap?!
I think any woman in my shoes becomes bitter and jaded at some point. There is NO REASON that any woman willing to give a child all the love in her heart should be denied her God given RIGHT to be a mommy! I keep telling myself that my time will come...but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I am new to your blog and as you have, we have been trying for 3 years as well. I hate that you are dealing with this and to hear your words brings tears to my eyes bc it is the same for me. everyone in my life is pregnant or has had a child (or 2 now) since we have started trying. the emotions are terrible!!! wish you luck...
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