So I wake up this morning with horrible cramps and realize that AF is finally coming a day late. I go to the bathroom and realize that with all of my obsession over OPKs and ICs, I've forgotten to stock up on my AF necessities. I run over to Walgreen's to pick up pads, tampons and cramp drugs. I also see they are having a sale on Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares...so of course, I need those, too. I get to the check out and the lady ringing me up says, "You've got a nice combination there." I kinda chuckled and said yeah. Then she says, "You're just having yourself a little period party...good for you!" It was so stupid that I started laughing and was STILL laughing when I got into my car. Had I been able to think on my feet this morning, I should have invited her to come! I guess I missed the memo that your "time of the month" is a reason for celebration! LOL!
Well, first was the "clinical" post about my new treatment plan...now is time to address the emotional.
I just found out another dearly beloved friend of mine is pregnant. That makes 3 very close friends of mine that are expecting right now. And that's not even counting the casual friends/acquaintances that are pregnant, which brings that number into the low double digits. On the outside, I'm so happy for them...on the inside, I'm dying.
People just do not get it. I cry when I find out about friends who are expecting. I'm happy for them, obviously, but I'm so sad for me. YOU have what I WANT...what I've been TRYING to have for 3 years! I have to wear a mask all the time. And if that mask slips, even for a moment, I get blamed for not being supportive. Not supportive?! Really?! I grin and bear it when I hear about cravings and morning sickness. I put on my biggest smile when I get the baby shower invites in the mail. I LOVE having babies around and I LOVE being Aunt Megs to my own family, my god kids, and my friends kids...but Aunt Megs is not enough for me. Your baby doesn't fill any void in my life...it makes it more apparent.
It's so hard to be angry with God, but sometimes it just can't be helped. I want to know WHY. I want to know why my husband and I are being punished. I know "punished" isn't the right way to think about it, but that's how it feels. People who don't want kids, who weren't even trying for kids, get them all the time. When is it MY turn? I've been waiting patiently for so long, I'm getting close to just throwing in the towel.
I cannot watch that stupid show "16 and Pregnant" because it makes me sick. I cannot STAND when people joke around about kids being a great "tax write-off." It makes me angry. It hurts. It makes me want to climb into bed and not come back out...ever! I hate when people complain about their lack of social life because they are pregnant..."But I just wanna get wasted and wear cute clothes and hit the club!" Really?!? You have been given the greatest gift that could EVER be given, and you're worried about that crap?!
I think any woman in my shoes becomes bitter and jaded at some point. There is NO REASON that any woman willing to give a child all the love in her heart should be denied her God given RIGHT to be a mommy! I keep telling myself that my time will come...but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sorry it's been a couple weeks since my last update. Things have been hectic lately. Between work and family drama and friend drama, I've been lucky to even SLEEP lately!
I went back for my follow-up with Dr. R. I have a LOT of body issues going on, which I kind of already knew cuz I always feel like crap. Digestive, reproductive, adrenal...you name it, it's "off" in my body. The big thing is to start a good diet, which I've known I've needed to do for YEARS! The end goal is to have NO CARBS...this is very difficult for me! I haven't been following directions totally, but I'm doing better and I will one day have a 100% healthy diet. Baby steps.
In addition to the new diet, the doctor has started me on dietary supplements. They aren't "vitamins" but are "whole food supplements." They are from Standard Process...here's the link if you wanna check it out. http://www.standardprocess.com/display/router.aspx
He has me on 4 different supplements:
Tribulus--I told the doctor that since we've been trying to get pregnant for so long, and since I am on an anti-depressant, I have zero sex drive. This is a problem when TTC, obviously. It has become a "job" and we have been working off a "schedule." The Tribulus is to increase vitality...and give me my sex drive back. It also helps to promote healthy, regular ovulation. It's supposed to help with my fatigue and insomnia also.
Ovex--This is also supposed to help aid in ovulation. It basically will help to get my reproductive system on track and working again!
Catalyn--This is kind of a multi-vitamin. It promotes cellular health, and assists with metabolism.
Zypan--This helps with digestion and protein absorption. It helps food be digested to the proper parts of the body.
I have been on these supplements for 16 days now, and I'm already noticing changes. No, I haven't lost any weight, sadly. But I notice I have a lot more energy, which is huge for me! I usually feel utterly run down and exhausted ALL THE TIME...but now I don't feel the urge for a midday nap, which I always had to have. I also think the Tribulus is doing it's job *wink, wink* and hubby is very happy about that! :)
In addition to the supplements, I go into the office once a week to get my chiropractic adjustments and that's making me feel much better, too. Dr. R's plan is to keep re-evaluating as we go along, and he thinks we'll soon be down to only one visit per month. He also wants to wait until we are 2-3 months into treatment and then do a 21 day cleanse/body purification program. I am looking forward to that, too!
Over all, this is not to get me pregnant. This is to get me HEALTHY, which the doctor thinks will then make a huge difference in TTC. It all makes sense and it's what I've been needing for a long time. I can have someone tell me to diet and take better care of myself, but this is actually a PLAN and my doctor's office is actually SUPPORTING me and helping me hold myself accountable.
Baby or no baby, this is what I need right now. And I am so excited to have a new outlook on things! I will keep you all posted! :)
So I survived my first visit at the Chiropractor(I will refer to him as Dr. R.) For some reason, I was really nervous! Luckily, my dear friend, Halee, works there, so I had faith that Dr. R knew what he was doing. I had to fill out a TON of paperwork to take in with me. I did a symptom survey that covers issues with each and every body system. I wasn't sure how it all would relate to my fertility, but now I'm starting to feel hopeful.
Dr. R is not only a DC, he is also a QN(a Quantum Neurologist.) I know, I had to look it up too! A QN basically looks at every individual nerve in the body and how they all relate to each other. I don't know much about it, but Dr. R said that the body is like a bowl of Jell-O: if you poke it somewhere, the whole thing moves.
My visit was just a consultation. He asked me a ton of questions, did some tests, and took some x-rays. It seems my major problems lie with my digestive system. He also sees issues with my liver as a big thing. He did all these "exercises" on me, pushing and pulling my legs, testing my strength in extremities, etc. My reproductive system is also an issue, obviously.
I have to go back tomorrow so he can devise a "Care Plan" for me. He's going to put everything together, look at the x-rays and decide what is going to make me better. He's not promising to get me pregnant, but there are MANY documented cases where chiropractic treatment was started and 2-3 months later, women with severe infertility issues were pregnant! That is not his focus. His focus is on getting my body working at optimal level. I feel very comfortable with him and he made me feel very at ease. I believe he's going to come up with a great plan that will make me feel better than I have in YEARS! And if it helps me to get pregnant, even better!
I will update you all on my Care Plan when I get done tomorrow.
Oh, and if I DO get pregnant, my dear friend says she gets to name my baby...don't worry, she's assured me that Princess Halee Consuela Banana Hammock is a gender neutral name...
As you've probably guessed, I am not pregnant. And I haven't felt like posting a new blog. I know I said I was going to leave everything to God, but I can't help it. I am emotionally beaten down. After only 2 cycles back in the game, Kris and I decided to take this month off. I got to the point that I didn't even want to try ever again. It should NEVER be this hard for ANY woman to have a baby. It is our gift, and everyone that wants kids should be able to experience it.
With that said, I've decided to go a different route this upcoming cycle. A very dear friend of mine works for a local chiropractor. She was telling me stories she's heard about women struggling to get pregnant. They did all the fertility treatments and tests and spent tons of money. Then they started going to a chiropractor and after a couple months, they got pregnant! There are apparently all kinds of documented links between infertility and chiropractic care. Here's a website if you'd like to read more about it:
http://www.preconception.com/articles/improving-your-chances-of-conceiving/infertility-and-the-chiropractic-link-1411/
I don't know if this will work for me or not, but I am at the point that I'm ready to explore other options. At present, it costs us roughly between $600-$700 a cycle for fertility treatments. My first visit to the chiropractor will cost no more than $25, and other visits won't exceed $89...and that includes any kinds of tests and x-rays they may have to do. That's a HUGE difference. The best part is that these are the prices even though I don't have insurance!
My friend said she told the chiropractor she works for about me and he is already making plans for my treatment. They carry lines of herbal supplements and natural products. Those can get pricey, I'm sure, but I still will be coming in WAY under what I'm currently spending with my doctor. My first appointment is in 2 days. I am currently just past ovulation this cycle so I still have a couple weeks until a new cycle starts. I figure I might as well start now...hopefully I'll be on the road to a successful cycle! I'll let you know how my first appointment goes!
So we moved on to the current cycle. I decided I would NOT stress about getting pregnant. I've had so much stress with EVERYTHING in my life lately...TTC, family, money, job...that it was getting to a point of making me sick.
My doctor confirmed this when I went in for my U/S last Thursday the 16th . We did the Femara 5mg CD 3-7 again. This month when I went in, I had 2 FOLLIES on my left! Nothing on my right...we've discovered that my right ovary just isn't working like the left. We've never gotten anything off of it. But my left ovary is AWESOME! Lol! Anyway, she decided to have me do the trigger shot again, and I actually triggered 2 days earlier than last time. I didn't even bother with OPKs this time. When she came in to go over things with me she hopped up on the bed (I was in the chair) and she says, "I want you to drink and have sex all weekend!" She proceded to tell me that stress can play a major role in TTC. She told me to get some wine, and enjoy a romantic weekend with my hubby. She said she firmly believes that I will NOT get pregnant if I stay as stressed as I have been. It's not healthy for my body and it's not healthy for my soul. She told me what I needed to hear...it was time to stop trying to fix everything, control everything, and just go with the flow.
And that's what I did. I followed her directions (hubby had zero complaints lol!) After I knew I had ovulated, I stopped thinking about TTC completely. I left it in God's hands. I'm currently 7 days past my trigger, so I'm probably about 4-6 days past ovulation. I'm noticing some strange things going on with my body, but I refuse to dwell on them...for now. My fingers are crossed but I'm not going to let my hopes get built up. If it happens, it happens...I have to leave it up to the Powers That Be.
BUUUTTTT...if I'm still having these "strange" things going on with my body at the end of the weekend, I'll be posting all about them here! Cautiously optimistic...that's the name of the game.
Oh my goodness, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last blogged! First off, still not preggers. I got my hopes up last cycle and when I was let down...once again...I had to take a break from blogging and TTC forums. Now that I'm back in the "two week wait" once again, I figure now is a good time to bring you all up to speed.
After my HSG and my Femara 5mg on CDs 3-7, I had an U/S on CD 12 to see if we had any follies. There was a big BEAUTIFUL one on my left side. I also had a "triple stripe lining" for the first time! I had never heard of it but apparently, according to my doctor, it's the most PERFECT lining...exactly what they want to see while TTC! My doctor decided since my follie was so big and everything looked wonderful, she wanted me to take an Ovidrel shot that would "trigger" my ovulation in case my body wouldn't do it on it's own. She told me to take the shot if I didn't have a positive OPK by the next morning. I went home and tested that afternoon and had a big +++++! First time I'd gotten such a clear positive on an OPK. Even though I was ovulating on my own, I took the trigger shot just to give myself an extra little push. I sat back and waited for my BFP two weeks later...and it never came.
I had gotten so hopeful and here was yet ANOTHER let down. I broke down and cried my eyes out and got pissed and broke things and told DH I didn't want to do it any more. I couldn't take any more disappointments. I literally felt as if I had hit a brick wall. Every fiber in my body was exhausted, but every fiber also wanted to keep going. The stubborn Irish girl in me came out and we decided to move on, put that failed cycle in the past, and prepare for the next one...
